Scottish Stepwork Tapes: London

 #2: London

I did all sorts of crazy shit man. I told you I lived in the attic of a brothel? And went into the Cin Bin and just fucking sharpened all the tools.

No way man. Hahahaw. Did you even bleach rinse?

Matchbox.

No but the bleach rinse? None of that?

Naw. Didn't have water or anything. No sink in my loft. It was an actual loft I was in -

Where? In Paris, in France?

No in London, East End of London.

Oh God. That's nasty man...

It wasn't like I was in a loft conversion; it was an actual loft, hahaha! With a hatch, and the room down the stair was where the bird was pumping the guy.

So I'm on rock, right? This is mental, I'm sitting like... So I've fucking went in, right, and I've scored rock and kit and a bit of rock for her. 'Cause she didn't even take smack, this one. Wee Asian lassie, brand new.

So I'm fucking stealing all sorts of make-up and all that, half-price to pay these cunts. Bump-bump, fake-bake and all sorts of mad shit. Hitting all the salon services all around the whole fucking place, just rifling it man. Thousands of pounds worth of shit a day, know what I mean?

Mental.

So I'm making a good earner, got a few fucking irons in the fire. I've got money at this point. So I've got my lump of rock and my kit, there you go.

So I'm sitting there doing whatever; smoking crack and reading a book. Whatever crazy shit that I'm doing, know what I mean?

Naa-hahaha!

That's the kind of shit I was doing!

Yeah yeah, no doubt.

So I fucking ran out of rock, right? And I've got money. I'm like that: lift the hatch man, looked down man and there's fucking this fucking hairy-backed fucking Asian guy. Euugh.

So I'm like that: [impatient toe-tapping]. Hahaha.

So you're stuck up there 'til she's done?

I'm stuck up there, and I've got some shitty mobile but no fucking signal in this loft. So I've got to get down and fucking into the fucking hall to actually get a signal to phone. But I can't get out.

Seemed like hours man. I look again and – ahh, fucking repulsed. Fucking hell, mate...

Man. How long was that?

It was only 25 minutes or something like that but seemed for ever man, when fucking it's in. You're like that: I need to score, I need to score now, there's money in my pocket.

I've got a bit on the fucking foil -

Of kit? To come down with?

Aye. Of course, I'm still smoking it but I'm like that: my equilibrium's getting fucked up here. This cunt's fucking with my formula. I've gotta keep ratios going...to finish this chapter! Haha! Fucking Aristotle or something, know what I mean? Fucking dickhead.

That's the trouble with these stimulants man. Everything becomes – aw it's ruined because there's a detail that's - fuck! I can't stand a buzkill. It really gets obsessive and horrible.

Especially a fucking hairy-backed fucking Indian -

Punter. Yeah, gruesome man.

Get to fuck, mate. Can't deal with that hair shit...gross. Fuck off, nyahaha grrr!

I was raging, I came out and just start shouting at her and all that. She's like: what man? This is my work; fuck off ya cunt.

Jeeesus. That's a story. But like, was this the cellphone era? Or before like smartphones?

It was the beginning of the cellphone like -

Cheap-ass? Flip-phones...?

One of my other turns at this time was, we were out – so this is pikeys I'm out with, right? Proper pikeys, in this motor. I probably told you this story, I tell it all the time.

So his turn is he got his weans to go in pubs and steal these flip-phones. The fucking Motorola flip-phones about that size, know what I mean?

And then he'd get pencil-cases, you know like the long Smarties ones? He would put fucking two Mars Bars in the pencil case, right? Zip it up and get a pair of pliers and crimp it.

He's got these sitting in his fucking glove thing, right? He's driving up to cunts, showing them the phones, punting the - driving them to the fucking cash -

The stolen phones?

Aye, but they're selling them Mars Bars -

Yeah yeah yeah. So he'd steal a phone, pretend to sell it and then bump the... Man, that is pikey.

Aye. Got mug and all doing this round the East End of London; West End and all. And he said to us on the first day, right, at the end of the first day when we'd only done like one, so it was like a hundred quid or something that he'd got, right?

And I'm like that: this guy's got five weans, he's got a big house, he's driving a fucking Range Rover, know what I mean? This guy's not going about here for six hours doing this for a hundred pound a fucking day. We were out all afternoon, right?

He said to the guy driving, Big Wayne – he's like a big black crackhead guy I was living with. He's like that: fifty quid a day or a third of the profits.

So of course, we've made a hundred quid so [Wayne] goes: fifty quid a day and he gets his fifty quid. I'm like that: a third of the fucking profits man. I'm like that: no fucking danger is this fucking guy doing this.

Sure enough, the next day man we made about 800 quid and this fuckwit's agreed to fifty quid a day. Know wha'mean?

So would he sell the phones in the end?

No.

But he's nicking all these phones -

Naw he wasn't nicking them. His kids were like 8 and 9, and they were going into pubs and just taking them to get the ones for him to use...

Yeah. So now he's got all these phones that his kids are nicking. And he's not even selling them to these people. He's ripping them off -

He didn't have very many of them...

Oh right. He's would just get them kinda to show off, that was the front. Then he'd do a switch. The pikey David Blaine...

Yeah. So I'm in the back with a crowbar -

In case things get hectic. You're the security, Wayne's the driver...

I mean I'm tiny, I'm like fucking 6 stone at this point man, bleached hair to my fucking shoulders.

But he knows you would go off if you had to.

Oh aye. I got to know him 'cause I got kicked out of my fucking bird's flat. She moved to London to get away from me but I went with her. 'Cause I was completely oblivious to that fact, know wha'mean?

Yeah. Yeah, course.

So I'm staying there and she's a waitress and her flamate's a waitress – she's from Glasgow and all.

I'm sitting smoking smack with her fucking flatmate and I've got one of these 'cause my lighter's fucked. So she got up in the morning and she's got a cold. This is the flatmate, right? Who hated us apparently. But she's wanting smack 'cause she's got a bit of a cold.

So I gave her a burn, right? And then some ash kinda coffee table and I just put the thing down. Obviously then went out, left it and it burnt a black ring on the fucking thing. That was the cue to kick me out.

So I went fucking crazy, didn't I? Just took all of her shit. Fucked off. And there's a caravan fucking – this is Upper Clapton Road, Hackney. And there's this caravan with a hole in the roof. I'm like: that'll do. In there man, set up all my shit.

So like later on that night this guy comes out with a fucking beard and he's like that: alroight there? Fucking Irish guy, the accents. I'm: is this your caravan? He's like: aye but it's fucked. It's getting taken away. Just watch yourself about here.

I'm like: what? Aye right, know what I mean? Haha! I'm from Glasgow; I'll fight any cunt! What are you talking about?

Sure enough man, fucking one night comes in and I've been out and had a heavy good turn so I've got a lump of rock and a big fucking bag of smack about that size. About nearly a half ounce.

So I'm like that: on the wheel arch, right? I take out my bit for what I'm having. So I'm sitting like that and there's this bottle of champagne sitting that I'd stole from their fridge because she'd won Waitress Of The Month Award of something. Just sitting there; I'm not fucking wanting that, know what I mean? Fucking stinking, haha! Just wanted drugs. But it's there in case I need to punt it, have a bad day.

So this is all my belongings, all my pictures of XXXX when he was a baby and all that, right? And I wake up man, being kicked about the fucking caravan by like fucking 3 or 4 wee guys. Just booted up and down the whole place. No point in fighting back.

All I could think about was: if they don't kill me, I've got a massive bag of fucking drugs on the wheel arch. All I gave a fuck about was the drugs, I didn't care about fucking my well-being. And I was fucked right up man, I was all smashed up and they're going though all my shit and all that.

To rob you?

Aye. Where's the money, where's the drugs? And all that. And I was like that: right I'm fucking living in a caravan with no roof, you fucking idiots. Go and find some somebody decent to fucking rob, you stupid cunts!

Weren't you worried someone would watch and see you going to your stash? At the wheel arch?

Nah, nah.

But these guys rocked up and so...

They must have seen me go in, sitting with the lighter or some shit.

Jesus. That's harsh.

But I never really fucking thought about it, 'cause the flats were empty. I ended up in that actual flat, 'cause when I'm working for the guy, I went and lived with Wayne for a while who was the driver guy.

We were staying in this fucking mad flat with this ex-European-champion boxer on the Tenent's Super. That guy moved out so me and Wayne ended up in the basement of that – it's like a three-storey townhouse. Just squatted it for four month or something like that.

It's probably got yuppies in it now, it's worth 3 million.

Yeah it will have, aye. Cracking big building. Wayne used to make all sorts of cracking food man, fucking yams and all that.

So was the boss the bearded guy?

He's the boss guy, aye. He's the guy who owned that house I ended up living in, he's the guy in the fucking motor. Cause I was shoplifting right? In London Fields there's like three pubs: The Perseverence, The Cat & Mutton and I forget what the other one was. But the Perseverence was like – so I end up squatting in that building as well, across the road from it. It was like a Water Board building, and I went down to a meeting last year, in Hackney, and went a walk about to look for these places.

They've fucking turned it into fucking wine-bar central man, it's all gone! It was like a wee community. In The Perseverence I'd be punting all my shit. And there was days I never got anything. I went in and they would lend me money, they would all chip in money and give me 50 quid. Know what I mean? They wouldn't do that in Glesga! Know what I mean? 'Cause these cunts knew that I'm back, and I was fair.

Were they like crusties and shit, or were they locals?

Just locals, wee old people, just pure like East End, in the pub...

Old-school. All driven out now.

Yeah...they were good cunts. So I end up in the Cat & Mutton, that guy used to go in there.. So I'd go in with all my shit and put it on a table and he would just come up and go: how much do you want for the lot?

And I knew what half of it was already so I would go like fucking 30, 40 quid higher then get talked back to actual half. And he'd give us it.

And then one day he put the stuff in the boot of his fucking Range Rover right? And then he went to drive away and he hadn't gave me the money. And I fucking legged it after him man and jumped on the front of his Range Rover. I was like: ho ya fucking cunt, get fucking out! Y'know what I mean? He's like: what? I was like that: don't think I willnae bite yer face aff, ya fuckin prick! Know what I mean?

He gave me the money, he's like: ah it was a mistake. I was like: mistake, fuck-all ya fucking pikey rat! And then it was like a week later he asked me to come and work with him. Hahaha!

You'd proved you weren't a mug and shit...and you were mental.

And I would've bit his face off!

He probably knew that.

I think he did. Think he could tell by the eyes...

So when we're out one day in the motor, this guy fucking opened one of the fucking pencil – we've drove him to the cash machine, gave like 200 quid right? And he's opened the – Wayne was meant to take a left before the lights, right? And he never listened. And we end up stuck at these lights. And this cunt's opened the thing and he's running... And I was like that: right, crowbar. And the guy's like that: nah man. And I was like that: what do you mean, nah? This is what I'm here for, this is the fucking action thing, I'll scud this fucker in the face. And the guy's come up and he's booted the fucking motor and he's shouting and all that. And he just gave him the money. And we drive away. He's like that: it's not worth it man. We're gonna keep doing this shit.

I was like that: this cunt knows what he's doing. And we drove all about London, couple weeks, three weeks -

But who the fuck would buy four phones in a pencil case or whatever?

Oh they did man. A lot of people. Yeah. It was mad. I was like that: what?

I know. That's so sketch...

I mean, I'm making about four, five hundred quid a day shoplifting myself, know what I mean? And this was better -

Of goods or cash?

Cash. I mean, I'd get up...it was like a job. I'd have a square-up in the morning and then I would go out for fucking two, three hours. Then I would punt my fucking stuff when the boozer opened, I'd get a charge then I'd go back out, fucking 2 'til 5.

I was regimented. I would go all about. And my mistake was that I ended up caught, cause I didn't go far enough or go to different places. Usual junkie shit.

So I was like that: there's no way this cunt's asking me to do this, 'cause he can see how much money I'm fucking making. And Wayne was like cooking and all that, and he got 50 quid! I ended up having to give him all sorts, rock and all that. Which I didn't mind, cause he was a lovely guy. He fucking got me somewhere to stay, cause I was sleeping in a laundrette when I first arrived at that bit. I just went in and fucking just crashed out in the laundrette.

Couple of nights, he come in and he's like that: nowhere to stay? I'm like that: nah. Know what I mean?

Cunts were alright round about there man, decent. 'Cause I was always on edge like: right, what's happening, what's the actual play here? But there wasn't, they were just actually quite nice.